


Love letters from a Garden

by SaoriK



Category: Original Work
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Hanahaki Disease, Letters, One-Sided Attraction, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25786225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaoriK/pseuds/SaoriK
Summary: Infected with hanahaki, the patient writes letters to their loved one, waiting for their time.*And, oh, my dear, I wish I could show you how lovely these flowers are.[X-posted Tapas]
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Cover](https://ksaori.tumblr.com/image/625898988079579136)

_My Dear,_

_I do not know why I write this. I cannot fathom what my thoughts are as I write such letter, for I won't be delivering it to you but to the flames of my lighter._

_Perhaps I just want to pour my heart out; perhaps I wish for my feelings to burn and turn to ashes just like this paper; perhaps I just want some closure._

_But I believe not. My heart doesn't seem to agree with my excuses, so I can only call this a whim, a way to pass time, a fleeting and useless desire._

_There is no explanation for this just like there is no explanation for my feelings._

_My dear, you won't be reading these words, but still I will write for you and only you._

_I love you._

_I love you beyond words; I cannot describe my feelings for you, for no words will ever do them justice. No metaphor or poem will ever be enough to show even the tip of my feelings._

_But I say, my dear, my love is the seed, and my lungs, the ground in which it grows; my tears, the water that showers it and my sorrow and despair, the nutrients for it to bloom. And I confess without much regret, when this seed blooms in pretty flowers, I know you cannot accept this beautiful bouquet I prepared for you._

_Still, I wish to show you how lovely these flowers are._

_But I will not burden you with my love, so do not fret, darling, for I will keep them safe inside me without ever letting them be known._

_When my time comes, do not wonder why, my love, because my feelings do not have a reason, beyond loving you._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	2. Chapter 2

_My Dear,_

_I apologize for lying to you. I could not bring myself to burn my previous letter. I wavered in front of the fire. I did not wish for my words and feelings to be only ashes in my hands, instead I put them in a small box I bought. It's a pretty box adorned with a pattern of roses. Perhaps my humor changed in front of death, as I find it hilarious given my situation._

_Would you laugh with me, my darling?_

_I don't believe so. You were always too good, too nice to find happiness in such ironies. A soft heart, if I may say. But, dear, that's what made me love you so much. Therefore I won't ask you to laugh with me, but I ask you not to blame me for my poor humor._

_My love, today I did not come just to ask for forgiveness. No, today I came to share my happiness with you._

_You laughed, my dear. You laughed and smiled in the middle of our friends. It was beautiful. I cannot say how much it brightened my day. But let me tell you this, all of your happiness is forever in my memories. Your joy shines in my mind and gives me strength to be happy too._

_Do not misunderstand, darling, my happiness is not dependent on yours—I would never depend on another to find my own joys—but they lighten the air around me and your laughter makes me want to laugh._

_I will not depend on you to feel, but darling, you make so easy to feel._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	3. Chapter 3

_My Dear,_

_I'm afraid you almost discovered me. I've been careless._

_These days I could not sleep well, but that's no excuse for almost burdening you with my unconditional feelings. Graciously, Miss H, as I will call her here, helped me._

_Although I shouldn't, I laugh inwardly, as Miss H berates me for my poor decisions. I laugh, because we are too alike. I know she understands me even when she tries to talk me out of my decisions. She does not wish for my death and I thank her for it. But I will not change my mind, even if you, my love, asked for it._

_I'm afraid I'm too stubborn for my own good. But I cannot regret it._

_Miss H is a lovely woman. She cares deeply._

_I must say, I'm flattered by her worry. I will not deceive myself in believing no one will care when I leave the word, but her feelings are so deep and real, I cannot help but be touched by them._

_It does not, however, waver my determination. It's unfortunate I will cause pain for others—I know you will be one of them even if I like to think you will overcome it—but my choice is the only thing I have left for myself._

_It's selfish, I know, but if the happiness I yearned for is impossible, then I will choose my new happiness, even if it may not be the same for the rest._

_My dear, will you resent me for being selfish? Will you hate me?_

_I hope not._

_I do not wish to burden you with my love nor with my death, but I cannot let go of my affection for you. They are too precious for me._

_But do not worry, my dear, for my feelings made me stronger than ever before. That's why I cradle the flowers of my love with care._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	4. Chapter 4

_My Dear,_

_It's with a heavy heart that I confess I haven't been my best. I must say I'm no saint and jealousy still worms its way to my heart and cloud my judgment from time to time._

_Today you fought with your beloved and I'm ashamed to admit I felt hope from your distress. Unfortunately, my selfish nature cheered for your pain to grow and your love to fall apart. But I say, before you come to resent me, I've come to my senses after seconds of shameful thoughts and I know what I desired was not fair to you._

_I do not wish for your pain, my darling. Please trust me when I say that. I only want the best for you, I would never dare to exchange your happiness for mine. I wish, from the bottom of my heart, for your joy and safety._

_I regret my fleeting weakness and ask you not to judge me for it. I beg you to see my strength when I talked and helped you and not my weakness, for I did not give myself in._

_My dear, shame burns in my skin and I hope you do not see it painting my cheeks. I hope you misunderstand it for the warmth of the sun and not my chaotic mind._

_Today, I believe, is one of the days I've been most disappointed with myself._

_I wish you could console me in this distress I feel. Selfishly, I yearn to be in your arms and to have your lips kiss my worries away. I know it's not possible, my dear, but I wish for it all the same._

_Oh, the pain I feel today! I cannot even appreciate the flowers my love gives me. It's been quite a while since I despised the beautiful flowers my feelings gifted me. I thought I accepted my fate, but I'm not certain anymore._

_Still, you will be unaware of this, my darling. But I do not blame you._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	5. Chapter 5

_My Dear,_

_Your eyes shine with unshed tears and your lips bleeds from your frustration. It pains me to see you like that. I will not be weak anymore, so I wish you would let me dry your tears but you are just as stubborn as me._

_I can't say that's not part of your charm._

_But darling, I wish you would not hold it in. I wish you would let me help you. If not me then someone else. Just, please, let us care for you. Do not deal with your pain alone!_

_Oh, dear, you hurt from your fight and I worry. It's not just me, but every friend you have._

_You say you don't deserve your beloved's affection, but trust me when I tell you, if there is someone who deserves all the love in the world, it's you. You who care too much and love even more._

_Darling, I will not ignore your concerns. I will not blind myself to your flaws, if I did that I could never have loved you._

_You fight because you love. So believe in your beloved._

_In a relationship arguments are necessary. Do not hate yourself for making mistakes—do not do what you wounldn't do to others, to yourself._

_I will not take the blame from you. I will not convict your beloved. I can only say, if you regret do not avoid and confront your love. Fear as much as you want, but if you love as much as I believe you do, do not walk away before fighting for all the worth you see in your beloved._

_Darling, do not doubt your worth, but if you do, then work hard to be worthy. Your love is not far away, so please, do not lose it for a single moment of weakness. You can have the happiness I wished for myself._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	6. Chapter 6

_My Dear,_

_I'm glad you laugh once again. You are always beautiful, and I confess, your beauty when you smile is the best. I'm sorry, but I must say, your beauty takes my breath away. Please forgive me for my twisted sense of humor, I can't help it._

_However, my words are not lies. Since the beginning I was entranced by your smile. It does not matter if your teeth are crooked, or your lips are cracked from the dry air. It's the warmth it bestows us; the sheer happiness that overflows from a single motion; the sincerity in the curling of the corner of your mouth._

_My love, I cannot put in words how relieved I am now that you smile again._

_I wonder... Would it be too much to wish I was the reason of your smiles? Perhaps yes, but I will not know, for I will never ask you out aloud._

_Your beloved is so lucky._

_I admit, the jealousy did not fade but my mind is still clear, so do not worry, my dear. I know, you are the most beautiful when by your beloved's side._

_I won't be greedy, darling._

_Perhaps it's cruel, my love, but I like to think of these flowers in my lungs as a gift from you. Even if they slowly, but surely take my life away, I like to believe they are an apology from you. That if you cannot love me back, then you let me know my feelings are beautiful too._

_I cannot thank you, for I know these flowers bring me more pain than relief, but I do not hate them. So, I hope you won't hate them either._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	7. Chapter 7

_My Dear,_

_I'm happy. Even as I get weaker as the time passes by, I'm happy. I'm glad to be friends with, not only you, but with the others as well._

_I did not expect you would prepare a surprise party for my birthday. But, oh, how happy I was!_

_Darling, I won't erase the other's hard work. I'm grateful for everyone's feelings._

_I've heard it was Miss H's idea. I'm very blessed to have such good friends. It pains me to know I will cause them suffering, but just for today... Only today, I let myself forget the future. I did not think of my sins and pains._

_I was truly happy. I was living the moment._

_Oh, my love, I laughed so much. I ate and fooled around with my friends. I was alive._

_My smile has yet to disappear from my lips, even if my cheeks hurt from enjoying my life._

_They say life is made from ups and downs. I can only agree._

_Oh, the sadness I felt that time when the first flower came! It cannot compare to this happiness overflowing in my heart. Darling, I feel so light, so drunk in joy!_

_If I cried, my dear, do not mistake my tears for sadness, for I was the happiest today._

_Living means hurting and healing; it's sadness and happiness. One cannot be saved if they do not feel despair. To know one, I must know the other._

_I'm glad, my dear, I'm glad._

_I'm glad to be alive._

_I thank you and Miss H and everyone else who made my life so enjoyable thus far._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	8. Chapter 8

_My Dear,_

_Today, you broke my heart._

_I know, it's a little late to say that. It's been months since the flowers started to grow in my lungs. But... I won't say I had hopes, for they have long dissipated for my wish for your happiness._

_I promised not to resent you or your beloved. To be happy if you are happy._

_But... It seems I do not know my limits._

_I cannot be happy, my love._

_You will marry in this spring._

_Oh, my love, I cried. I could not stop the tears from falling or the hiccups from escaping my lips._

__

__

_Darling, darling, the flowers were so pretty today._

__

__

_I hope you forgive me for not being able to give my blessing for your union. I hope you will not blame me for my weakness._

_I've been a fool for believing I was strong. But I cannot bring myself to regret it. I know if I didn't, I would break._

_My love, these cracks won't ever mend._

_I won't promise anymore. I do not know if I can keep them anymore. I do not have faith in myself. But I will say this, I wish for you to never lose your light and warmth; may you keep smiling in this life I cannot take part of._

_I can't say I will be there for you. But I know your beloved will and so I hope they fill the parts I once promised to fill._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	9. Chapter 9

_My Dear,_

_Would you believe me if I said I'm happy? I hope you do, even if it's a lie._

_I cannot bring myself to tell you of my plans, but I have yet to find the strength to leave your side._

_Will you notice my absence on your happiest day? Will you hate me for it?_

_I beg you not to hate me. I can't be there. I doubt I will have any strength left in this decaying body of mine and, even if I have, I will not have strength in this selfish heart of mine._

_So I ask you for forgiveness and understanding._

_I lie to you because I cannot burden you with the truth. I know that you, with your golden-heart will hold on more than you can._

_Oh, darling, is loving a sin?_

_With flowers growing in my lungs, taking my breath away, I can't help but think so. I did not wish for my love to hurt so much, but I can't wish to stop loving you._

_My dear, do you believe it's my fate to suffer for a love that will never bloom? That I'm fated to a tragedy? Did I love too much, my dear?_

_I do not know and I'm afraid of finding the answers._

_My love, in two weeks, I will be moving out. I will go far away from you and your love. I will not go to your wedding. I will not be part of your life anymore._

_Please, do not ask for me._

_It pains me to refuse you._

_So please, do not hurt me anymore._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers_


	10. Chapter 10

_My Dear,_

_My health escapes me. It's unfortunate that I get sicker by the days. It's hard to breathe, my love, it hurts too much._

_I wonder if you would recognize me if you saw me. I changed quite a lot. I do not mean to brag, but I was quite confident in my looks. Not anymore, though. I'm sick. Very sick. I do not eat like before, and you can see it in my hollow cheeks and disappearing muscles. I'm pale now, as I avoid going out. It's a pity, I liked my tanned skin and the feeling of the sun warming me up._

_My beauty fades little by little._

_Darling, I cannot sleep well. In truth, I cannot do anything well these days._

_I'm afraid of you seeing me in such state. I do not want you to see the bags under my eyes and my skin dry and ghost-white._

_I'm nothing more but a shadow of the person I used to be._

_I try. I swear I try to stay healthy. It's hard, but I force the food down and I sit by the window, hoping to bathe in the sunlight. It's hard, because nothing sits well in my stomach and everything burns in my throat and the sunlight hurts my skin._

_I'm trying, my dear, but I find my resolve dying with me._

_I miss you, my love. I miss your smiles and laughs; your touch and warmth; your shining eyes and playful glances. I miss your everything._

_But I choose to deprive myself from those, so I cannot complain. I have to be firm._

_Darling, everyday I dream of you. So I will content myself with the glimpse of my imagination and memory._

_When I leave this world, will you treasure your memories of me?_

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	11. Chapter 11

_My Dear,_

_Your wedding is approaching. Just a couple of weeks away._

_I wonder how you are faring, my dear. Your days must be busy but filled with joy._

_I envy that._

_My days pass slowly. I do not do much beyond writing these letters for myself. Sometimes I read, others, I just sleep. It's funny, just a time ago sleep was something foreign to me, but now it's hard to keep my eyes open. Truly funny, but I doubt you would laugh with me. I can imagine the concern in your face; you furrowing your brows and pursing your lips._

_Oh, love, you do not know how I thrived under your attention. It was like I was a lost soul in the desert and you, my oasis. Now, I can only remember._

_But do not worry, I treasure every memory I have of you—they help me smile every so often._

_Of course, I also treasure the memories of our friends, for they also helped me shape who I am._

_These days I stay too much in the lane of memories, darling. Reality doesn't seem to stay in my mind. When I come to myself I'm lost in the past; in laughs and fights; in tears and jokes; in every piece of what I lost._

_I guess I'm feeling too nostalgic these days. I cannot help myself. The memories I'm making now aren't the ones I wish to make._

_Perhaps I'm letting this letter to be too sad. I apologize, that wasn't my intention. I'm just writing what comes to my mind._

_Darling I'm afraid I can't write much, my wrist hurts and my vision clouds. So I must bid my farewell._

_I hope you are fine._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	12. Chapter 12

_My Dear,_

_Today is your day. It is, I believe, the happiest day of your life._

_Today, you wed your beloved._

_As I write this letter you must be at the altar, saying your vows and exchanging rings with your beloved._

_I'm sure you are lovely in white. I wish I could see you, but as I am not the one by your side I will save myself from the pain of smiling for something that kills me._

_You may not know, but darling, I do want your happiness. It may take some time, but I'm sure the package I prepared for you will reach your hands. It's the least I could offer you. It's my last present for you._

_Darling, I dreamed of you. I dreamed of today._

_You were so pretty._

_Oh, the bittersweet feeling of seeing you fidgeting during the priest talk. You could not stay still, and I could almost hear you hurrying the priest so you could kiss and embrace your beloved._

_You do not believe in God, I know, but I'm sure you want the blessing, just because your beloved wants it. You do not have faith in God, but you have faith in your beloved._

_My love, your wedding in my dream was beautiful. It was fancy but so down to earth with so much love overflowing. You could see the care in every single detail._

_It was a happy occasion._

_I woke up crying, gasping for air, and scratching my neck._

_There was blood in my nails._

_Darling, I'm sure your bouquet will be beautiful and you will cradle them gently._

_And I wonder if you would cherish mine too. But I know it won't happen, as your flowers grow in the soil and not in the lungs; as the water you give them are clean and not salty from tears; as they do not grow from the sorrow and pain and they are lovely when they bloom and not meshed with blood like mine is._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._


	13. Chapter 13 (End)

_My Dear,_

_This is the last letter I write._

_Do not panic, even if life escapes my fingers, I doubt today is my last day._

_I say this is the last, because now that your wedding is over, I decided to stop writing. I've written for so long; every day I held this pen and drew words I could not say aloud. Now I am too tired to keep going._

_I wonder if you will ever find these letters. That's seems impossible._

_Perhaps someone else will find them, as I still cannot bring myself to get rid of them, to burn them._

_If there is someone reading this now, I apologize for my messy writing, but my grip is not the same as before. I'm sure whoever you may be, you've noticed._

_Today may not be my last day, but I can feel death approaching me quickly. I do not rise from the bed. I sleep more and more. I'm afraid soon I will not wake up anymore._

_I'm too weak, too skinny, too tired._

__

~~_I'm in pain._ ~~

__

_Darling, I do not clean the flowers anymore. They scatter around my bedroom and the bathroom._

_I do not have the strength to clean them. I can barely hold my pen to write these words._

_It's too pitiful. But it's something I choose instead of the cure._

_I do not regret it._

_I know this was the right decision._

__

__

__

~~_I'm scared._ ~~

~~_I don't want to die._ ~~

~~_Why? Why can't I love you?_ ~~

~~_I don't want to go._ ~~

~~_It hurts._ ~~

~~_I don't want to be alone._ ~~

__

__

__

_I love you._

_Truly,_

_A Garden of Flowers._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who read this!!  
> This was my first original fic, so I was very nervous about the content, not to say it's the first time I wrote in letter format. But I'm happy that there were people who liked it!!


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